Sunday, August 31, 2008

Road Trip!!!

Tomorrow morning, as early as I wake up and get some coffee in me, I will be headed to Indy to pick up the kids and bring them back home. The good part of this is, I will be pulling a u-haul trailer back with all their belongings. They are moving back home!

I could use your prayers that this trip goes smoothly.

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From Lee Martin’s August 14th, 2008

I carry a gun. I don’t carry a gun to kill people. I carry a gun to keep from being killed. I don’t carry a gun to scare people. I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place. I don’t carry a gun because I’m paranoid. I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world. I don’t carry a gun because I’m evil. I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world. I don’t carry a gun because I hate the government. I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government. I don’t carry a gun because I’m angry. I carry a gun so that I don’t have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing to be prepared. I don’t carry a gun because I want to shoot someone. I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed, and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon. I don’t carry a gun to make me feel like a man. I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they love. I don’t carry a gun because I feel inadequate. I carry a gun because unarmed and facing armed thugs, I AM inadequate. I don’t carry a gun because I love it. I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me. “Police Protection” is an oxymoron. Free citizens must protect themselves. Police do not protect you from crime, they usually just investigate the crime after it happens and then call someone in to clean up the mess. I carry a gun because I’m too young to die and too old to take a beating. Anon.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Random Thoughts

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. .
3. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
4. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
5. Is there another word for synonym?
6. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
7. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
8. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
9. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
10. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
11. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
12. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
13. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
14. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
15. How is it possible to have a civil war?
16. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
17. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
18. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
19. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have “s” in it?
20. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
21. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream or yogurt?
23. If you spin orientals in a circle three times do they become disorientated?
24. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Redneck Special Forces

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. A license is not required
4. All weapons are permitted
5. Hunting hours: sunrise to sunrise
6. Field dressing optional
7. Hunters are encouraged to use Live ones for bait!
8. They taste just like chicken.
9. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
10. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

A woman, fresh from a shower, stands in front of a mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small.

Instead of telling her it’s not so, he comes up with a suggestion: “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

“How long will this take?” she asked.

“Oh it’ll take several years,” he replies.

“Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger?”

Without missing a beat he says, “Well, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

With a great deal of therapy, he may one day walk again.

Stolen from Mostly Cajun.

Monday, August 18, 2008

King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ...what is the moral to this story?

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

.....Things are going to get ugly.

Cheerfully high graded from Ysabel Kid over at the forum.